Anniversaries of significant events—birthdays, death dates, wedding anniversaries or holidays—can be incredibly painful for someone who is grieving. These “grief anniversaries” often stir up memories and emotions that may feel just as raw as they did in the early days of loss. Even if time has passed and some healing has occurred, certain dates can be painful triggers.
Why this happens
Anniversaries act as powerful reminders of what was lost. The exact date of something makes you recall what happened on that exact date before. For example, a birthday once filled with celebration becomes a reminder that the person is no longer here.
Additionally, the anniversary of a death may bring back the trauma of that day and the shock of their absence. According to Harvard Health Publishing, these milestones are often when grief resurfaces, even years later, as our minds naturally reflect on the meaning of the date and what it once represented.
Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, a neuroscientist and author of “The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss,” notes these dates can be especially challenging for those who are grieving because it is essentially a form of learning something brand new. When someone you've loved passes away, your brain must update its internal model—from "they will always be here" to "they are truly gone." Anniversaries force relearning, making the brain repeatedly process the painful absence.
She also describes grieving as a duality, "For the brain, your loved one is simultaneously gone and also everlasting, and you are walking through two worlds at the same time." This simultaneous knowing and unknowing contributes to the emotional churn we feel on those key dates.
The American Psychological Association notes that during these times, common reactions can include:
Sadness
Anxiety
Irritability
Anger
Sleep disturbances
Physical symptoms like fatigue or headaches
It's not unusual to feel like you're back at square one emotionally, even if you've made progress in healing.
Coping strategies
There are ways to navigate anniversaries with care and compassion for yourself:
Plan ahead. Decide how you want to spend the day—whether it's alone, with loved ones, visiting a special place or honoring the person in a meaningful way.
Create a ritual. Light a candle, look through photos, cook the person’s favorite meal or write them a letter. Rituals can offer comfort and a sense of connection.
Talk about it. Let people close to you know about these dates and why they matter. Sharing memories or talking about your feelings can ease loneliness.
Give yourself grace: Recognize that it is OK to have experiences that may feel like you are “slipping backwards.” Grief is not linear, and there's no timeline or “right way” to feel as you process it along the journey.
As the Hospice Foundation of America explains, “Grief does not end. Rather, it changes over time, and certain triggers—like anniversaries—can cause it to resurface.” The more we understand these reactions and normalize them by discussing them with others, the more compassion we can extend to ourselves and to others who are grieving.
