People who are grieving any type of loss may find themselves feeling angry. This is not an emotion that should be off-putting. Anger during grief is completely common and even expected.
Grief is not a single emotion, but a complex mix of feelings including sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety and also anger.
Why anger happens
Anger isn’t just a “bad emotion”—it’s a signal. Mental health expert Cynthia Vejar explains that anger during grief often arises from a sense of injustice, and the anger may be directed at:
The person who died (“Why did they abandon me?”)
Oneself (“I should’ve done more…”)
Others (“The doctors didn't act fast enough.”)
Life or the universe (“Why is this happening to me?”)
Grief can disrupt your sense of security or identity, and anger may arise as a response to that instability. Additionally, anger can cover deeper emotions like sadness, fear or guilt. It can feel more powerful or easier to express than raw sadness or fear.
Bernard Golden, the founder of Anger Management Education in Chicago, notes that we can stay angry to avoid confronting heartache—anger can feel cleaner than grief’s pain.
Meghan Riordan Jarvis, trauma therapist and author of “The End of the Hour,” notes that unexpressed grief—especially in cultures that don’t talk openly about loss—can surface as anxiety, irritability or anger. She describes anger as a natural, healthy response to trauma and loss and encourages people to acknowledge it without shame. Simply put: “Anger is part of grief. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re grieving.”
Additionally, Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, neuroscientist and author of “The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss,” explains that the brain’s attempts to adapt to the absence of a loved one can produce unexpected emotions—including bursts of anger—as the mind struggles to reconcile loss with lived experience.
Ways to cope
Acknowledging this emotion is vital. It is OK to feel mad, even if you don’t know who or what you’re angry at. Then, take one or more of these steps:
Write it out. The physical act of writing with pen and paper helps with emotions, both psychologically and neurologically. Because it is an intentional act, it forces your brain to slow down and process thoughts more deliberately.
Talk about it. Discussing your feelings with a loved one, friend or mental health professional can help you name and process the source of your anger.
Move your body. Exercise or yoga can redirect your energy. Physical movements also help release endorphins, the “feel good” hormone.
Join a grief support group. Engaging with others who “get it” helps normalize and validate your experience.
Remember, feeling angry after a loss doesn’t mean you’re weak, ungrateful or irrational—it means you’re human. By being self-aware and making space for anger, you can become “unstuck” and move toward healing.
