Joy is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness, which seems counterintuitive to the sense of emptiness and sadness one typically experiences with profound grief after the loss of a loved one. Amidst this sorrow, finding moments of joy may seem unattainable. However, embracing joy during times of grief is not only possible but can also be a vital component of the healing process.
Not mutually exclusive
Grief and joy are complex emotions that can coexist. Acknowledging this duality allows you to honor the pain while remaining open to life's pleasures. Some people may believe they don’t deserve joy after the death of a loved one. Other people try to skip over the challenging feelings and pain involved with grief to get to a happier space. Feeling alive means that you don’t have to silo emotions; it’s possible to experience joy and pain simultaneously. Life can be messy, but it can still be OK.
Research shows that while the nervous system is skilled at identifying what is “wrong,” it’s trickier to determine what is “right.” Most people aren’t taught how to identify what feels good and the nervous system doesn’t trust goodness. Thus, people can feel guilty about these emotions.
Physical changes happen in the brain during grief. The sympathetic nervous system activates and the neuropathways continuously search and comb through our memories to find an explanation for the occurrence. This innate function can be a detriment or an asset.
Understanding grief
For those who have lost a loved one, it’s vital to understand that you cannot simply go back to the way you were before. Death and grieving forever change a person. Learning to accept the “new you” helps you progress in healing.
The first step is to understand grief. Unlike a physical injury like a broken arm, healing during grief is not linear. You may feel OK one day (or one hour) and then slip into moments of crying or despair. But like a broken arm, grief healing cannot be rushed. It takes as long as it takes. You can’t expect a fractured bone to heal in three days. It will take weeks. The same is true of grief. Many experts note grief can typically last three years. It may be shorter or longer for some people. Neither situation is “wrong;” it’s an individual journey that each person processes in their own time.
Strategies to find joy
Begin by acknowledging your grief and take time to feel all the feelings, including:
Shock
Numbness
Sadness
Despair
Anger
Nostalgia
Guilt
Those who take the time to acknowledge and process their emotions tend to progress more smoothly than those who suppress or ignore them. This approach also makes it easier to embrace moments of gratitude, hope and joy.
Steps you can take toward healing and finding joy include:
Seeking support from others. Sharing your feelings with friends, family or support groups can provide comfort and understanding. Grief tends to be very isolating. Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can help you feel less alone and offer new perspectives.
Change your perspective. When you recognize you can grow from grief by accepting change and seeing how it transforms you, it is possible to move forward from anger and resentment. Take steps to discover what you can be grateful for, including the loved one you had for as long as they were in your life. It can be helpful to keep a notebook and write down at least one good thing that happened during your day.
Practice mindfulness and self-compassion. Meditation or deep-breathing exercises can help you stay present and find moments of peace amidst grief. Be honest about your pain while also seeking out moments of joy and do not judge yourself or where you are in the process.
Engage in activities that bring pleasure. Identify things that you enjoy and reintroduce them into your routine. This could include hobbies, exercise or spending time in nature. Consider making a list of things that bring you joy and intentionally incorporate them into your life.
Honor your loved one's memory. Commemorating your loved one can bring a sense of closeness and joy. This might involve creating art, writing letters or participating in causes they cared about.
Embrace new traditions. The holiday season and special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries can intensify feelings of loss. Creating new traditions can provide comfort and a sense of renewal. Be open to new experiences and allow yourself to find joy in different sights, sounds and moments.
As you move forward, it’s important to be patient with yourself and recognize that experiencing joy does not diminish your love for the person you've lost. Finding joy after loss takes time and patience.
While grieving can change you deeply, it doesn't and shouldn't stop you from experiencing future happiness. The path to healing is unique for everyone. It is possible to honor your loved one by living a life full of meaning and purpose.
